waiting on the passing of time

 Some days, you don't want days to end. You want to stick with weeks as long as you can. We only get a defined amount of time in this world, and so weeks, days, hours are important to savour.

-but dear god, can this week go faster? 

It's not a bad week. Not one of those weeks where everything is wrong, so you want it to end. It's instead one of those weeks where I am waiting on news. Big news that if I even talk about outloud to myself, I might jinx it, so I have to keep it in and just wait.

I'm out of my skin. I've been drawing a lot just to do something with my hands because I can't concentrate on anything more daring, but I need something to occupy the space.

It's been over a week in this state. Every day, I stare at my inbox, clicking through trash mail and coupon codes, refreshing as if that even makes a difference.

I can't talk about it becuase It will jinx it. I can't think about it too hard, or I'll get excited. I can't plan even though I want to becuase what if and what if not.

My best friend doesn't even know, I never keep things from her, but not saying it outloud means I might have a chance.

Anyway criptic shit aside, I'm gonna go draw again. 

"We regret to inform you"

 Fun fact that is not so surprising- I have ADHD. This was only found out last year (after I went through a lot of tests just out of curiosity). Also fun fact: getting a job lately is impossible.

Let's put 2 of those things together and see how everything works out, right?

I get hyperfixated on things easily. Foods, hobbies, passions, tasks. This is good when a thing you need to do conveniently falls into that category, but if I'm not, then it's like pulling teeth. I know I have to do it, and I don't mind doing it- but starting is impossible.

Anyway, Indeed has been constantly open on my computer lately. I have this dream of moving to Toronto with whatever job I get, so I've been hunting there. A lot of times I apply knowing I am out of shot. But there was this one that I was so excited to hear back from. One that I think I held the most qualifications for, for an Instagram clothing brand that I genuinely love.

Long story short, big red letters 'you have not been selected by the employer'. I see these all the time, so it's not new, but it is getting to a point that at what point do my skills make me worth a job? Bad way of thinking, I know, but that shit really grinds you down after 2 years of applications, cover letters and AI robot interviews. 

I mean, I'll still try cause that's what I am used to, and hopefully soon the big red letters will turn to green.

Flooded (but we vibe)

 I live in my parents' basement. It's great while I'm in school, I have a huge space, a bathroom to myself, but also the ability to go hang out with my parents. Growing up, I was always scared of the basement- I feel like every kid is. Like it's dark, and scary, and my brother had all the walls painted black, so it was even worse. Running up the stairs after being down there always felt like someone was gonna get me.

Anyway, COVID brought me home from college in 2020, and we decided that with that time we were gonna move me down to the basement. I was alittle wearing at first, but after painting the room, putting light carpet down, and adding all my trinkets it became the coolest place. I was extremely lucky to even be able to have such a large space during the pandemic to be by myself.

Now, what's the downside? It's a basement, so every 2 or so years, the sub pump (the pump that is a little lower than the basement floor, that pushes the water that collects outside) either breaks or shorts out, which means I wake up to a squishy floor.

That was what happened today. I was taking a nap between my online classes, and so I didn't really notice what was going on. Anyway, I will be spending the rest of my night with a shop vacuum and a soggy carpet. Still love my basement space though, maybe just a little less today.

Growing up 'The Art Kid'

 I did a Fine Arts Degree straight out of high school, followed by Video Game Design. In school, everyone knew me as the arty one- but being from a smaller school, it was easy to get that name as long as you had some form of interest in drawing.

Going to university was hard because I was surrounded by creative individuals for the first time, and we were actively sharing work over the long run. I never felt like it was a competition, not to imply that, but being in a room full of people who were just as good at art felt like my entire personality was trivial. Who was I if not the art kid? 

Imposter syndrome then kicked in. Why was I here? Everyone is so good, why did I make this my personality if I can't compete? It went on for most of my degree in the sidelines of my mind, slowly being overshadowed by the realization that everyone's art is special. But it did always linger, and so I never did art for me. What was the point when I needed to do art for school? 

Anyway, here I am now, doing school for Software Development (Turns out getting a art related job if gallerywork is not your thing is a little tricky in rural Canada), and I picked up a random sketchbook while visiting a huge art store in Toronto. 

Friends' apartment in Toronto

I got it cause it was yellow, and it was small, and in my head that would make me bring it everywhere. And, to be fair, it worked. I started drawing again, slowly at first. I actually had fun, I enjoyed just doing things that didn't have to be perfect.

But a few months in, I decided to start posting the pages on my Instagram. I thought maybe if I started posting the pages I liked and didn't like, it would help me feel less pressured to only share masterpieces that would never happen. I did it every week or so, whenever I felt like scanning and uploading. 

I didn't do it for anyone else; I did it for me. It wasn't a project, it wasn't a showcase. It was just so that I could get these ideas out of the book, so I could create more. Eventually, I had a friend from art school text me saying that me posting stuff made her want to be more open with her creative process and loved that I just would post these. Another one who was becoming a tattoo artist said she started posting all the flash work she was doing because she felt like it would help open her style up to her clients. 

I'm not saying that me posting my shitty little drawings is life-changing, probably far from it. But knowing that me being less restrictive on the art I share helps others feel the same openness does make me happy. I'm still doing it for me, but if it helps someone who is in the same slump as I was, then a win is a win. 

Python will be my end rn.

 I don't really understand teaching sometimes. I always needed a weird way to learn, but once it was in there, I understood it. It took me till grade 12 to understand the formatting of a paragraph- and that's only because the teacher broke it down in a way that was so clinical that I had to understand. 

I thought software development would be along those lines, and it sometimes is. There are professors who do the exact formatting that lets me learn- it's mostly bullet points and repetitions that do that. Currently, I am actively crashing out because a new prof is teaching my Python and the formatting not only does not match the ones we learned for months, but it completely contradicts everything we learned before. 

It is so out of place, and so I think it's just me, but it's not. Others are the same, others that I know are more in tune with python then me, so that's reassuring. Doesn't help the crashing out tho as I am drinking a matcha and my sesitive tooth is grounding. 

here is art, this shit is too much.

Who is Peach and why is she writing a blog

First, who is Peach? It's me, clearly, but my name is really Amanda. I used to say peach alot when refering when somthing was good (like 'that's peachy' but shortened), and so whenever I needed a name, I went with Peach. Long story short, alot of my friends and people know me as Peach, so Peach it will be.

What the hell am I doing? No Idea. I draw, a lot more recently than I did when I was in school for art. I am also doing software development, which is really fun- but that's not what this is.

I wanna post my art stuff somewhere that's not Instagram. That has more nostalgia, more retention, less algorithums. Will anyone see it? Nah, probably not- but I think it's more for me than anyone else anyway.

These will be far from perfect- but I think it's important to share the less nice things along with the things you are proud of. Not that curration is a bad thing, but that in a system of trying to catch attention in 3 seconds, it's easy to get caught up in the selection of it all.

Anyway, if your intersted in seeing the progression of this, and seeing the good and bad of it all through the year, I hope you stick around!